(WOMEN MOANING)
DEENA: I like that, that's good.
KIM: Oh, yeah.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
DEENA: Do you... Do you have... You know...
(KIM MOANING)
KIM: Wait, wait. Two seconds, I'll be right back.
BOTH: Do you have a condom?
No. Crap!
Dude, I've been looking for that nightie everywhere.
KIM: Are you sure it's not mine? I've had it forever.
DEENA: It looks better on your boobs anyway.
Thanks.
DEENA: Who do you have in there anyway?
I didn't even hear you come in.
Oh, I'm with that Australian surfer with the neck tattoos.
Ooh! Checkmate!
What about you? Who do you have in there?
Uh...
Beet face.
You're having anonysex with a guy
you met in the Costco parking lot?
DEENA: I already told him he couldn't stay over
'cause I got to get up early to write.
Oh, totally.
God, where is that stash? I know it's somewhere.
Oh! Found them! There's only one left.
How did that happen? We just bought these!
Dibs! I'm ovulating!
What? It's true!
I never work out on the fifteenth day
of my cycle because I get pains in my side,
and if you remember correctly, Kim, I did not work out yesterday.
What? What am I supposed to do? Raw dog a random?
Don't be a douche nozzle!
(SIGHS) Pull and pray, baby!
MARC: All right, Kim, were you gonna do me, or what?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(INAUDIBLE)
Three o'clock, dude.
That sleaze weasel's eyegasming all over your face.
Really? Yeah.
He I Hi! Y"
Stoplights, huh?
Yeah. Stoplights. I love them. (GIGGLES)
So do we.
It's crazy! Crazy.
I'm Ivan and this is my friend, Ivan.
Well, hello, lvans.
Hello.
So, we're headed to this little party up in the hills this evening.
You girls wanna join?
Why don't you give us the details?
(BABY CRYI NG)
Is it too much to ask for a date with a guy
other than the one I gave birth to?
Oh, come on. Where is my friend who shares
my mutual suffering of high self-esteem?
KIM: She smells like milk, puke and diaper ointment.
Oh, hey, Billy, will you come help me with Max's stroller?
Sure, Kim.
Okay. There you go. Thank you.
(BILLY GRUNTS)
Hey! Hey.
I found a job on Craigslist that pays $150 an hour.
It's called Naked Human Sushi Platters.
I start tomorrow. You want the details?
Laura, I love you, but raw fish? Nudity? What would Jesus say?
Lefsleave the Lord out of this.
Oh, God.
Hey! I found a job on Craigslist that pays $150 an hour.
It's called Naked Human Sushi Platters.
I start tomorrow. You want the details?
No, I think I'm good.
Oh, Dr. Katie's on.
DEENA: Did you say Dr. Katie's on?
Hi, buddy.
As a sexpert, I recommend regular sex once a week, at least.
If you can't procure sex, visit your gynecologist,
and he can suggest certain solutions.
(MAX VOMITS)
Oh! Oh! BOTH: Ew!
Max, my favorite shirt!
Baby puke is pretty much just breast milk.
Just hand me the napkins.
I saw Kelly Ripa eat breast-milk cheese
on LIVE! the other day, with a pickle on it.
That's disgusting.
It also comes in dolphin, bear, monkey and worms.
Worms? Ew.
Laura, it is so weirdly hypocritical that you watch this stuff.
It's like an anorexic watching Top Chef.
Make fun of me all you want for being a virgin,
okay, but at least you'll never hear me say,
"I had sex with some guy last night and he didn't call me,"
or "I got pregnant again,"
or "I got chlamydia."
Ooh! Snap.
Ask your insurance provider if they'll cover this-
(VIBRATING)
(ECHOING) You need it, Kim.
Oh, I really need to get more sleep.
(WHIRRING)
Hey. Hey!
I made this for you.
Thank you. You are saving my life.
Have you seen the baby monitor?
Uh, yeah, I think it's in the rotter.
That's what three hours of sleep a night'll do to you.
Yeah, here it is. Rotting.
So, tonight is Marc's night with Max,
which means I have no morning duty,
which means Mommy is gonna get hammered tonight. Yeah!
Are you sure that's safe?
I'll pump and dump and use my new Milkscreen strips.
They let you know when it's safe to breast-feed again.
It's the best invention ever.
Mom of the year right here yo.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Oh, God. Francesca.
"In addition to my diuretic pills,
"go by the mall and pick up something
"young and hip looking for me to wear to the greyhound party."
(GAGGING)
Will you guys meet me at the mall later?
Can't, I have naked sushi.
Yes. And that woman is hideous.
You shouldn't have to deal with her.
She has you running around like a chicken!
I know, but I'm a chicken with paychecks and benefits.
See you guys later.
Bye. Bye.
Wait. Breakfast.
Oh, God, thank you.
Thank you. Bye.
Marc, I swear to God, you're the most unreliable person I know.
Why are you always late?
What do you expect? I'm driving across town from Venice.
Well, I've got a million things to do and that's all before work.
So, here's the diaper bag, his diapers,
bottles, toys, he should be fine.
What's the matter with you?
(SIGHS) We need to talk.
Crap! Crap! Laura! Laura!
I got the e-mail from LA Weekly, man!
I can't read it, I can't read it.
You have to read it for me, you have to read it for me.
Sit, sit, sit. Read, read, read.
(EXHALES)
"Dear Ms. Deena Gold, thank you so much for your recent submission,
"'A Self Made Woman's Lifestyle:
"'Separating Yourself from the Bitches.'
"As you know, we review thousands of submissions weekly.
"Unfortunately, we cannot accept..."
(SIGHS) I'm gonna stab myself in the face.
Please don't.
"However, we think the excerpt from your book,
"'A Self Made Woman's Lifestyle:
"'Separating Yourself from the Bitches..."'
That title is way too long... However, however.
"Will be the perfect inaugural headliner
"for our online edition featuring new voices."
(LAUGHS) Oh!
Oh, I'm in!
Okay, get up, I have work to do.
Okay. Here we go.
Marc, I thought we were gonna at least try to raise the kid together.
It'd be career suicide to turn down a Hawaiian Tropic pro-tour.
You understand that?
Can we get your scrawl?
Oh, yeah, sure.
BOY: Thanks, man. Sure.
See? I'm blowing up.
What about when you come back?
Well, if I come back. I got things, you know?
I think he's better off without me.
I'm doing the right thing here.
I'm ripping it off fast, like a Band-Aid. Okay?
Peace, all right? Okay.
All right. Be well.
(GURGLING)
(SHUSHING)
KIM: I feel like a big slab of hamburger
that's been mushed into a human.
This was, like, my one day a week
to feel like a normal human being.
Now, I'm like, seriously a mom now, like seven days a week.
That is kind of how it works.
Well, I know, but what am I gonna do?
Look, lots of women have been exactly where you are right now.
You can still have everything you've always wanted,
and your kid is gonna respect the hell out of you for it.
Huh?
Let's get a massage.
(MOANING)
I am so getting one of these when I get my first big paycheck.
I don't care how nouveau riche it is.
(MAX CRYING)
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
Oh, God, yes!
(DEENA MOANING)
That's okay, baby.
I guess I can breast-feed in here.
And it's the perfect place to find something hideous for your boss.
You know, it used to be that a very select,
few lucky people got to see my boobs,
and now I whip them out everywhere like they're udders.
So wean him.
Breast milk is free and I'm broke.
Oh, God! This is so hard. Nobody tells you it's gonna be so hard!
Yes, they do, Kim. That's pretty much all people say.
Not to mention I haven't had contact with a man in over a year.
Well, I think we have a winner.
All right. Let's just go.
Don't get mad at me for saying this,
but I think you'd feel better if you'd
go back into launching your doggy mall.
How am I supposed to do that?
What about Francesca?
What's the point of working for the bitch if she's not gonna invest?
I just think part of what's getting you down, Kim, is that, you know,
you're not really doing anything.
I mean, career-wise, career-wise.
I have been making inroads with Francesca, okay? I mean...
Fine, not specifically, but we're in the same industry.
She might invest.
Okay.
Okay, I have an idea.
Let's get into some old-school trouble.
Really? Yeah.
Let's drop Max off with Laura, get Brazilians,
pick up some really hot dudes.
Okay. Good.
Well, Laura can't. She's got Bible school fellowship.
Oh, that sucks. I know.
Deena! Deena! DEENA: Hey, Jayde!
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since last year!
I know. Kings of Leon backstage.
Kaleb still talks about that night in room 210.
Oh, my God. We were such groupies, man, it was...
Gross! Gross! Yeah.
You look amazing, I mean, obvi, you always do.
So do you, you look great.
Thanks, I really need that. I just broke with my boyfriend.
He said I was cheating on with my BlackBerry.
What are you doing? You still managing bands? What's happening?
I'm doing it all. I'm repping bands,
and I'm consulting on a clothing line with a girl from Paris.
Are you doing anything tonight? No.
One of my bands is opening up for Bon Iver tonight.
Come, come, come. It'll be so much fun!
I love Bon Iver, he's so good. I'm a big fan!
We'll make a night of it!
BOTH: (SINGING) We can have vodka soda no ice!
Why did you walk away?
Who was that pop-tard?
I told you about her, dude.
I met her at that Type A seminar when you were pregnant.
She's funny. You'd like her. She's nice.
I bet I'd love her. Thanks for introducing me and Max.
What did you say to her? I gotta go.
Sweetie, I've been waiting for you.
Did you get me my slamming little outfit, size zero for the party?
Yep. I went to the hippest store at the mall
Uh-huh.
Oh, by the way, Benny, the little terrier's doggy parents called,
and they said that he pee-peed in his crate again.
Francesca, he's just a puppy...
We can't go against what the dog parents want. You know that.
You know that.
Anyway, we have a new celeb client.
His name's Spreweli or something.
He's in some Disney movie and some Asian cartoons. I never saw them.
I'm ready to dictate. All right. Darling SJP...
Thank you so much for your generous donation.
How are you and the twins?
I'm sure that you'll be with us
for our star-studded spectacular event...
Okay, what was after the...
Is that a... Is that a baby on your back?
Is it not bring your baby to work day?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I'm just kidding.
Francesca meet Max, Max meet Francesca.
I didn't know you had a baby.
I never would have hired you if I knew you had a baby.
I'm so sorry, Francesca, but I promise you won't even know he's here.
He's just the most mellow little guy,
and I wouldn't have brought him,
but I had this situation...
It doesn't matter how well-behaved it is!
This is a place of business. You can't bring your baby to a place of business.
I know. I'm really sorry, Francesca...
Save your song and dance for someone who cares.
Just get out of my sight before I fire you.
Francesca...
Just go now.
Okay. I'm sorry.
She better be. Yes, Tinsly doesn't like the baby either.
Tinsie doesn't like the babies. No babies for Tinsly.
Gimme a kiss. Give Mommy a kiss right here.
Tinsly, I love you. You're the only one who understands me.
Hey. Hi, you little guy. How are you?
Hi, Pop POP-
Hi, baby.
Boy, the last time I saw you this depressed
was when you got stood up on prom night.
I got it. You got it?
Yeah. I got him. I got him.
I don't have my purse. You got it? Okay.
You hanging in there?
I don't know what I'm doing, Pop Pop.
(DOOR OPENING)
How do you lose your shoes caught in a rug?
I'm starving!
DEENA: Me too!
(FAINT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
Yeah, marshmallows!
Whoever invented Rice Krispy treats is a genius.
Housewives, dude. The undersung heroes.
But, seriously. How do you make them?
In a pot?
Nobody uses pots any more.
We'll put them in a bowl, and then we'll put them in the microwave.
I have a bowl!
(SCREECHING)
(GROANS)
Four minutes and 20 seconds.
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(MAX CRYING)
God, you've gotta be kidding me!
(MAX CONTINUES CRYING)
(WHIRRING)
Where the heck are my keys?
(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING ON RADIO)
Found them. Bye.
Hey.
Hi.
Are there any more burritos?
I don't think there are any more, dude, sorry.
Guess I'll just eat a hot sauce packet.
So, how are you?
(GRUNTS) I've been better. How about you? How's naked sushi?
They actually wanted me to be naked, so I quit,
but I already have another job, Valet of the Dolls
I think I've seen that on Hollywood's Sleaziest Jobs.
It's that girl's valet company, right?
Yeah. $25 an hour just to park cars, plus tips.
I saw a woman wearing a full burqa
going into a bikini waxing place today,
and I thought of you.
Okay, I would love to stay and hang out with you, sweetheart.
I'm sorry this stupid thing doesn't work, but I gotta go get dressed.
You know what? Me too. Me three.
But, guys! Somebody has to babysit.
Well, dude, I stayed with Max for the last weird dog event.
No, you didn't! It was that adopt an incontinent cocker spaniel thing,
and you hit on Simon Rex in the bathroom.
Shit! KIM: Guys.
I would give anything not to go tonight,
but, unfortunately, if I wanna keep my job,
I have to be out the door in six minutes.
Please, can you just work it out amongst yourselves?
Play for it? I never win.
Chicken? (CLUCKS)
Fine. Here. Deal.
You can be kind of scary sometimes.
No, you didn't do a burn card, dude. Redo.
Redo. Redo that. Okay.
All in.
DEENA: Cheater.
Sorry for not being sorry.
Guess it's just me and you, kid. Ante up.
HEY- HEY-
Just checking on you. You know, it's not fun in there at all.
Really? Yeah.
Come in when you're done. Okay.
Hey! You're Deena's friend. Rocking event! And such a great cause.
It's Stanton. Jayde Stanton plus three.
Right. Okay.
Yeah. Who let the dogs in?
(IMITATES DOG BARKING)
Barry Robert Philips.
Francesca's one of my dearest and closest friends.
Of course she is. Enjoy. Thanks.
Who put the dogs in... Woof, woof. What's up?
Listen, we are on the list...
Probably under Wellingood.
Saul, first name. Saul Wellingood.
I'm sorry, it's not on the list.
Why don't you check our friend, Leakin comma Rufus?
Rufus Leakin? Guys, come on, that's not even funny.
Here's the truth, we're not on the list,
but my grandfather was a racing greyhound.
And he passed away due to greyhound bloat.
He was very close to me,
and my grandmother and he died of greyhound bloat.
They said to wait up front.
It's gonna be three of us.
That's all, just us three, there's not a lot of guys here.
And we just wanna pay tribute
to all of those that have lost their lives to the bloat.
They're harmless. I promise.
Speak for yourself. I'm sorry.
Yeah. I'm Johnny Danger.
You know what? It's fine.
Fantastic!
Yes! Whoo! Do I get a...
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
SERGEI: All right, party people!
Your name? WOMAN: Grossman.
Okay. Hey, sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Forgot my stamp. Oh.
Thank you.
When you get done with the clipboard, maybe I can buy you a drink?
It's actually an open bar, so...
Even better. I can request you a drink
and then serve it to you on a little drink napkin.
Okay.
Yeah? Yeah.
Okay. I'll see you inside. Thank you.
Hi. Sorry.
Yoga pose, plus baby-
Good for inner core.
Tests balance.
Lunges, plus baby, adds twenty pounds.
Cuts your reps in half.
Oh, oh!
No, it's so gross! God!
Let's go get cleaned up.
You like being naked, Max, don't you? Yes, you do.
You and every other man.
Huh? Heel
(COOING)
DEENA: Deena's baby workout video, colon.
Bench press makes baby nauseous.
Keep this on the DL, Max. This shit's gonna make me a millionaire.
Kim. This... This dress you got me,
you would actually really wear this?
Yeah.
People have been giving me weird looks all night.
Maybe it's my coat. Do I still look 21-year-old hot?
You look the same as always.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
We made a shitload of money for those greyhounds.
I'm convinced that in our lifetime,
we're gonna see the eradication of greyhound bloat.
In our lifetime.
You're such a sheeple. You're bringing the whole party down.
Give... That's my coat. Go get a drink. God, you're boring.
Are you sure?
I think so.
Okay. Thanks, Francesca.
You're welcome.
First thing in the morning, I need you to focus on that PETA event.
Okay. All right?
Hi!
And don't ever bring your baby to work again.
All right? Yeah. Yeah.
Again, I'm really sorry about that.
It just, it makes me crazy nowadays that people have children
when there are so many dogs that need forever homes.
Yeah. I understand...
Doesn't it drive you crazy when you see pictures of Heidi Klum
and she's bounced back so quick after having four kids?
HEY, gorgeous.
Barry Robert Philips!
Oh, my God, you're gorgeous.
I'm kind of mad at you, though.
Laura!
LAURA: Oh, my gosh!
Kim. Thank goodness you are done.
Can we please, please go home?
Come on. Let's stay. I'm not in sweatpants, and I never get to go out.
(GROANS)
Ooh! He's cute! Who?
Over there.
Oh, my God! I know! I met him outside.
He's walking over here right now. What?
Yeah. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Good luck.
No. Laura, don't go. Don't leave me!
Work it out. Work it out.
Hey.
Oh!
Hi! Hi.
I didn't see you coming over here. I was just texting somebody.
Well, I'm Nicholas. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself earlier.
(CHUCKLES)
And you are?
Kim. Sorry. Kim.
Kim is my name.
Hi, Kim. Hi.
So, you work for the Greyhound Association?
Well, I work for the woman who throws these weird dog events
And she also has a dog walking company, so I sort of
am a dog walker slash personal assistant,
slash loser, peon, mole person.
Did you always wanna be
a loser, peon, mole person when you grew up?
Well, ever since I was little,
I've always wanted to open the world's first doggy mall.
I even commissioned an architectural model.
(LAUGHS) What the hell is a "doggy mall"?
You know, it's like a full-sized mall,
but all the stores cater to dogs.
Okay.
Whatever. My plans are kind of on the back burner.
Why are they on the back burner?
Because
life happens.
Well...
Cheers.
To life happening.
Lift the baby and feel the burn.
Then, go into a slow squat
to get your ass lifted like no other.
I feel like I haven't flirted with a girl in, like, five years.
So, you're flirting with me? Is that what's going on?
You're flirting.
I am not flirting!
Yes, you are. You're blushing.
Well, you're sweating profusely.
You're breaking out in hives.
Am I really?
No, I'm kidding.
No. It's not funny. I sometimes do
break out in hives if I get, like...
It's not contagious. It's just like, if I get nervous or something.
Come on. Clearly I'm the one who should be nervous.
Dude.
Sergei's on the phone with his old lady. His kid has diarrhea.
Hi. Hi.
He's freaking out.
Unbelievable. The one night
I decide to go out since the kid was born and he has to get sick?
Is it coincidence? I don't think... I swear he's out to get me.
Yeah, I can tell. I can see it in his eyes, you know?
You know, with those creepy, little baby hands...
He's vindictive. It's over. It's all over,
my sex life, my guys' nights out. This is...
It's done. It's done.
Promise me you will sooner out off your balls than have kids.
Oh, hi.
Hi. I'm gonna get my car.
(SIGHS)
All right, we gotta go then.
Yes! We?
Sorry. Sergei used to be normal.
Kids! What a buzzkill, huh?
But I had a great time. I'm just awkward.
What are you... What?
Oh, sorry, you have something on the...
Oh, that's just puke.
It's baby puke.
My roommate has a baby.
And, sometimes, you know, sometimes...
That's what they do.
Kids! What a buzzkill, right?
(DISTORTED) So, listen...
Hey. Laura!
We have to go.
I thought you really wanted to stay.
Yeah, remember, I have to do that thing.
What thing?
Bye. We gotta go.
LAURA: Deena!
KIM: (SHUSHING) Max's probably sleeping.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Let me sleep, you freaks.
Wake up. You have to hear this.
Kim was talking to a guy, and she lied about having a baby.
What?
I didn't mean to. It just came out.
But you should have seen him.
He was really hot. Like a Greek statue.
Don't say that. Those guys suffer from small cocks.
Only because the small penis was seen as a sign of refinement.
Big ones were vulgar.
Plus the Olympics were done naked,
so they didn't want shit flapping around...
What?
Guys! I feel horrible. I lied about being a mom.
I lied to get a guy to like me.
I'm one of those lame girls who jack it up for the rest of us.
Dude, he would have turned tail
if he knew anyway, and that is the truth.
Are you sure? Yes. Totally.
Well, you guys didn't even exchange e-mails.
Yeah, maybe.
You're never gonna see this guy again, man.
He looked fine, so what, whatever.
Right. You're probably right.
I am right.
Yeah. Right.
Yes. Yeah.
Right? LAURA: Yes!
Guys;
Kim!
I don't know.
I do.
(ALL LAUGHING)
SERGEI: I've got some not so great news for you.
Melanie's lawyers are requesting
that you keep paying for her facials,
because it was your idea to move to Los Angeles
and that's what makes her skin so dry.
But, you know, I get...
Wait. Can she do that?
We all told you she was a bitch.
Nobody told me she was a bitch.
Not to your face, but we all thought it.
So, how long is she gonna drag this out for?
(SIGHS) Unfortunately, in the state of... Gummi Bear?
No. I'm good.
Green. No, orange.
Unfortunately, in the state of California,
you have got to wait six... Now, this is all lawyer speak, okay? Jargon.
But you have to wait six months, I think,
from the time you... You have to wait.
Come on, I just wanna move on with my life.
I want the same thing, Nick. You think I don't want that?
You think I don't want you to sow your wild oats?
I need you out there, man!
Bringing in some new pussy blood!
I mean, bringing in new... Get new...
New pussy and new blood. Separately.
You know, newness, new chicks. Look, my point is,
I've got to live vicariously through someone. Right? Okay?
And look at you, you're handsome, it makes sense.
What are my other options? Henfi?
Come on, look at that guy. He's a hot mess.
Yeah.
He's into some funky shit, man.
You should hear some of his stories, they're amazing.
So, how did this happen?
My parents got divorced and I said to myself,
"I'm not gonna let this happen to me," and...
Listen, divorces are never easy, you know.
I mean, sometimes they can be. Yours is not. Definitely not.
The point is, you need to take care of yourself.
You know? Do something to keep your mind off of things.
Look out for you.
What about that girl you met the other night?
The little cutie at the bar at that dog thing?
The bloat?
She didn't have the bloat. But, you know...
I didn't get her number, but
I know who she works for.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: One new message.
Yeah. Hi, darling, listen, we have a new client.
A single doggy daddy with a 250-pound mastiff named Bishop.
You know what they say about men with big dogs...
I think that's the expression. Anyway...
bishop?
Hi, buddy.
Sit. Sit.
Sit. Sit. Good boy.
Sorry. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Hi, there.
Hey! (SCREAMS)
You! You!
What are you doing here?
This is my house! Are you stalking me?
I swear this is just a coincidence!
Really? You expect me to...
Okay. I'm... (LAUGHING) I can't keep this up, I'm so...
You ran out so fast the other night,
I didn't get your number, so I just called and requested you.
And I thought that it'd be funny.
And you would think I was funny and then we'd laugh and ha-ha...
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)
It played out so much more romantic in my head.
Do you still want me to walk your dog?
No. I just got done walking him.
It's a nice place. Did you just move in or something?
I'm in a sort of
transition right now. It's a long, boring story, trust me.
That must be your roommate's baby?
I take him to work sometimes when she's busy.
He's a handsome little guy.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, buddy.
Uh-huh.
(LAUGHING)
Anywho, now that I got you here.
Would you like to go to dinner on Friday?
I said yes. DEENA: Nice.
Yeah. And I kinda asked him to bring a friend for you.
Please go with me. I can't do this alone.
Sure, I'll be a part of the get Kim laid brigade.
The friend better be hot and Ivy League. Did you scratch again?
I scratched again. Jesus, Kim.
Dude, I had a window. Maybe I should have come clean.
Why'? Out of some sense of moral obligation?
No, I mean, he obviously really likes me enough to track me down.
It was kind of romantic, and now I'm being a sleaze ball.
Come on. Guys have been doing this crap for years. Hit it and quit it.
It's not like you're gonna marry him.
Oh! Gosh!
Where the heck did I put my keys?
Oh!
Yes!
What?
Oh, it's for Valet of the Dolls.
You look like a prostitute.
You look like Jennifer Aniston in Friends with Money.
KIM: Have you seen The Night Porter?
DEENA: Are you dating Marilyn Manson?
Are you going trick or treating? Happy Halloween.
Did you kill him with a candlestick holder?
Hey, Laura, what's "make love"?
Something your girlfriend does while you bang her.
Are you really a virgin?
You guys are random.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
All right. Watch this.
WOMAN 1: "Mommy and Me" is so important to us
"for developing your infant's cognitive skills.
WOMAN 22 Yeah.
And it's a great way of training at any time.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry, guys. I'm sorry.
Why is that lady late?
Oh, sorry, sorry, guys.
Welcome. Hi.
I just wanna invite you to get comfortable and relax.
Okay. Sorry, guys.
(GRUNTS)
Okay, let's pick up where we left off.
Hester.
Hi, I'm Hester.
MOM: Hi, Hester.
And I've been doing yoga for a really long time,
and I just thought it'd be great to bring some om to the womb.
As most of you know, I'm Patti, and we love this class,
because it falls perfectly between
Lil' Gym and Survival Swim class.
And you? I'm sorry.
You could just share with us both of your names
and what brings you here today.
I'm Kim.
Hi, Kim. HESTERI Hi, Kim.
Hi. And this is my baby, Max.
And I'm here because I have a date,
and I wanna get into slamming shape,
and what other exercise classes can you bring a kid to?
Right?
Okay.
(ALL CHANTING)
(CRYING)
Sorry.
(SHUSHING)
You are making quite a name for yourself with our female readers.
That last column on why men who are married to high-powered women
with multiple degrees
often cheat with exotic dancers
to mollify their own power insecurities
caught the eye of one of my contacts at Seal Press.
The same publishing company who did Gender Outlaws?
That's the one. They're interested in
hearing your book pitch. Come on!
Holy flying mother of God!
Oh!
Hey! I just wanted to say you have nothing to worry about.
You have a lovely figure.
Oh, thanks.
Seriously.
Don't you just love these classes?
I think it's so important to have the support of other moms.
And JJJ just loves it.
JJJ?
Jessica Jennifer Justice.
My husband Brock and I were always laughing,
with a name like that, she's gonna be a lawyer!
And what about this little guy? What are you gonna be?
Well, I was probably just gonna let him decide.
Do you know how many kids in my high school committed suicide
'cause they didn't know what they wanted to do?
Direction is really the greatest gift we can give them.
Are you guys free for a playdate?
Okay, chubbo, there you go. You, little fatty.
PATTI: Is that your friend Max?
Whatever.
How did you do that? That thing has literally never turned on.
We have that same one. It sticks, you gotta jam the button.
Oh, my God, thank you!
So where are you and your husband going on your big date tonight?
It's a guy that I just met. I'm not married.
Oh!
Wow! How do you think that's gonna affect Max?
You know, having a constant stream of men
coming in and out of your life?
Well, lwouldn't necessarily call it a constant stream of men,
I mean, I wish, right?
God, a single mother! That is a cross to bear.
I think about that all the time,
how hard this would be to do alone.
I mean, I know I'm so lucky to have Brock.
Do you have family at least to help?
Actually, my parents died when I was little,
so I was raised by my Pop Pop.
Oh, my God, you poor thing!
No, no, it's fine.
I've always kind of done things
a little differently. It's kinda like my thing.
Winston Churchill, St. Augustine, Floyd Mayweather, 50 Cent,
Jack Nicholson, Barack Obama and my cousin Taylor were all bastards
and they turned out just fine.
Women carry the baby, they birth the baby, they feed the baby.
Fathers are totally antiquated.
(NERVOUS LAUGH) I don't actually think that fathers are antiquated.
Really? That's so weird,
'cause I'm pretty sure it was you
who helped me come up with my chapter of "Fathers Are Antiquated."
Patti, meet Deena.
Deena, this is Patti.
Hi! Hi.
Look at me. After I had JJJ, I just realized I couldn't do it all.
I mean, you gotta shift your priorities.
It's a full time job, even with a husband, being a mom.
I was trying to go to work, then go to a playdate,
then go to Mommy and Me,
change a diaper, still see friends, I was gonna lose my mind.
Yeah, it does seem overwhelming sometimes,
especially now that he's getting so much bigger.
I know, 'cause then they know when you're not there, right?
Whoa, whoa.
Why are you both propagating these myths?
We live in a time where women can finally have it all.
Sexual empowerment, a great career, money, family
and a man at home with dishpan hands if she so desires, or not.
This is a really, really exciting time for women.
Says the woman who doesn't have kids. Right, Kim?
Oh, you know what? I gotta go.
She needs a nap and I gotta start dinner,
but thank you so much for this.
And please, promise me you're gonna call me
and you're gonna come to Café Chez Bébé,
because you're gonna love it.
There's babies, and moms and coffee,
and it's crazy and it's cathartic.
Sure. Okay.
Okay. Love it. Let us walk you out.
Oh! Mickey.
So, call me next week or something?
This was so good. Great. Thank you.
It was so fun.
Say bye. (IMITATES KISSING)
Oh, I think they are in love.
See you later. Bye.
Okay. Bye.
I thought she'd never leave. What a sanctimommy!
Can you be nice?
What? Like she was to you? "A cross to bear"? Are you kidding me'?
Okay, she didn't mean it like that.
And, you know, I could use a couple of mom friends.
Why?
Because, Deena, believe it or not,
there are certain things that I can't get from you.
Like what?
Okay. You know I've never taken Max's temperature
because we thought that you had to do it anally.
Well, she just gave me these little strips,
and all you do is like stick it on his forehead.
And she also fixed the bouncing chair
and, I don't know, other stuff.
Christ, Kim, pretty soon you're gonna be
watching soap operas in your sneaker clogs
and talking about Max's bowel movements like they're fine art.
Well, it's not like you don't have separate friends.
I heard you telling Jayde or whatever about
your big meeting and you didn't even tell me.
Whatever. She's obviously way more fabulous than I am.
Dude, we just haven't been home at the same time.
I mean, what do you wanna know?
Well, nothing now, because I have to go, all right?
We'll talk about it later at the group date.
Okay.
(DEENA'S CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey. Yikes, who died?
Oh, sorry, it's nothing. What's up?
I just scored us VIP passes for The National at a private venue.
You're kidding me?
No, I'm for real serious.
I can't tonight, man, I got plans.
I got another call coming in, tchose!
Hey, I just scored VIP passes for The National at a private venue.
No way, take me.
This seat is taken. Move on, please.
Thank you. Move along.
Oh, hey. Hey.
Group date!
Oh. Sorry.
Yay! Yay.
How was the rest of your day?
Well, work sucked.
I breast-fed in a gas station bathroom, so that was awesome.
I just dropped Max off with Laura.
So you wanna hear about my meeting?
Oh, right. I'm sorry, I totally forgot.
Pauline got me a meeting to...
Can I get a glass of water, please?
...Pitch "Separating Yourself from the Bitches,"
which clearly you're not interested in
hearing about, so I'll just shut up.
Deena, I'm sorry, please forgive me
for having other things on my mind,
like the fact that this guy is about to show up
and I'm gonna have to blatantly lie to him all night.
I know, but I'm here for support
'cause you can't do it alone, remember?
Great. Yes, I know, but it's just not the Deena show, okay?
(SCOFFS)
Okay.
(EXHALES)
NICHOLAS: Hey, Kim.
Hi! Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too.
You remember my friend, Henri?
Right. From the other night, yeah.
Are you French?
No. (EXCLAIMS)
Baby, you are the sexiest thing I have ever seen.
So this must be your roommate with the baby?
Yep.
This is Max's mom, my roommate with the baby.
Nicholas, meet Deena. Hi.
Deena, this is Nicholas.
She didn't tell me that she told you about my baby.
Whoops!
Actually, I met him. He is so cute.
He is cute.
It must be just so nice to live with a built in babysitter.
It is so nice to have someone you can rely on for pretty much everything.
Yeah! I can see you. Child on your hip. Born to be a mom.
And I see you. Mustache on your face.
Profiled on To Catch a Predator.
Whoa!
(NICHOLAS CLEARS THROAT)
Should we go get a table? Yes.
Should we sit somewhere?
So, no stretch marks? Not one? How did you manage that?
Oh, no, there's a cream I saw...
Yeah, Henri, you know what?
Will you help me carry some drink menus back?
Yeah.
This one. I like this one.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Are you kidding me?
He could have been anyone's kid. Why did you make him mine?
I'm sorry, it just came out! Please, you have to go along with it.
Okay. You wanna see the Deena show?
The truth is, I was sleeping with
loads of guys when I got pregnant.
But I think the father is an Australian pro surfer.
(LAUGHING) Obviously, she's kidding. No, I'm not.
Obviously, she knows that the father is Marc,
and to his credit, he has good genes.
He ditched me.
That's intense.
Well, he just wasn't in the right frame of mind
to be a father and, personally,
I think that it's for the best.
I mean, just because two people have a kid together
doesn't mean that two people have to be together.
It's always the kid who suffers!
Yeah. That's actually a good point.
Frankly, it's so much better without him around,
'cause I'm ready to get back in the game.
I'm a player at heart.
Fantastic. It is hot how honest you are.
So many women try to pass themselves off
as virginal, you know it's not true.
Well, our roommate Laura is actually a virgin.
If it's true, fine. But if it's not, why lie?
"Practice is the best of all instructors."
"Publilius Syrus. First century.
Well, Publilius, you certainly can't pretend once you give birth,
'cause you get super loose, like... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
That's only if you don't do Kegels!
Kamikaze shots for the table!
Thank you.
Deena, you can't drink because you're breast-feeding.
Remember? Tell that to Shakespeare's mom.
Ah! Indeed.
In Shakespeare's time, water was basically non-potable,
and so beer was the only thing that people could drink,
including nursing mothers.
Yeah, I read that New Yorker article, too.
Whatevs, I'm good to go. I pump and dump all the time.
Sure it's frowned upon, but, you know,
I just picked up a new box of Milkscreen strips, so it's all good.
Right, Kim?
Pump? Pump your breasts?
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, shots!
Thank you, Henri.
Pump it. Pump it.
So, how did you two girls meet?
We met in college. It was the same Spanish class.
Yeah, the difference is I actually learned to speak Spanish,
because I had a Cuban boyfriend
who really liked it when I stuck my fingers straight up his ass.
I thought that was something that you promised yourself
you were never gonna tell anybody about yourself.
We're among friends, sharing together, loving one another.
(LAUGHING)
Right. Right. Well.
I, Kim, never learned anything in college,
because I was too busy reliving my past.
You know, the normal hick stuff,
riding cows, slaughtering pigs,
fantasizing about my cousin Brad.
He was your second cousin by marriage!
Still inappropriate!
Don't mind Kim here. She's just a little bitter,
because I've become a sweatpant-wearing loser mom
with little mommy friends, who's lost all sense of self and ambition.
Well, I guess I'm just a self-righteous, know-it-all bitch.
I feel like dancing.
Scoot over. Okay.
It's lonely over there.
Are you okay?
Yeah. That? Her and I just have this...
You know, like witty banter thing. It's nothing serious.
Yeah. It's fun to watch,
but it's a little scary.
I'm sorry.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay. I've had enough. And I'm ready to go.
No. No. I thought that that was a wonderful thing to tell him.
No, forgive me.
"Thou know'st that this cannot be said
"A sin, nor shame, nor loss of maidenhead
"Yet this enjoys before it woo,
"And pampered swells with one blood made of two."
Oh!
Okay. Just because I know that's John Donne
does not mean I'll forgive you.
Kim, let's go! Ten seconds.
Ten! Okay!
Nine!
I guess we got the annoying prerequisite group date out of the way.
Six.
I would love to go out with just you.
I would love that, too.
Yeah? Yeah.
Three, two...
Friday? Friday sounds great.
Kim, come on! Okay, Jesus!
Sorry- Okay-
Bye, Deena.
Oh, my gosh, fantastic date!
So, you're gonna drive me to my car tomorrow, right, drunkie?
Yeah.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)
(SWITCHES RADIO ON)
(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)
You can be a real jerk, you know that?
(LAUGHS) Hey, Kettle, what's up, you're black.
Oh, please. "I don't know who the father is"? And then the finger thing?
And don't think I didn't notice
that huge dig about me losing my ambition.
Oh, yeah, that was right before
you called me a self-righteous bitch!
Man, what are we doing, dude,huh?
We haven't fought like this since
I bought those high-waisted jeans you said you wanted.
Yeah, and that was seriously messed up!
You knew I was saving up for them for like months.
Okay. What is the big deal, man?
The big deal is that I like this guy! A lot.
And now it's not just some, like, little accidental lie.
It's a huge, complicated mess.
We acted like total mental patients.
I thought it was awesome!
Well, I didn't, okay?
Okay. Well...
You know how I feel about it all, you know,
don't get emotionally involved.
Stick to the game plan.
Bone and bolt.
It's a good chapter subheading.
Right after "How to never let a man
"stand in the way of a friendship."
(SWITCHES RADIO ON)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
RECEPTIONIST: Do you think he's ever gonna propose?
I'm, like, the perfect girlfriend.
I cook, I clean, I wear sexy underwear
Psst.
Hang up the phone. Hang it up.
What's your name?
Rita.
Pick up a new hobby, like skydiving or dirt bike riding.
Don't tell him about it, but just start
leaving your gear around the house.
When he asks you about it, just say,
"Oh, what? That? That's my parachute.
“Oh, that's my motorcycle helmet,
"did I not tell you about that?"
You'll have a ring on your finger within the month.
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. Live by it.
(DEENA'S CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(SIGHS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have one new voice message.
Hi, there.
I was hoping you'd pick up. I'd really love to hear your voice.
I mean, I heard your voice on the answering machine,
and it made my day.
But to hear your real, un-prerecorded voice
in person, that's what I was hoping for.
I guess, technically, if it's on the voice mail,
it's not in person, but I digress.
Uh...
Wonder what you're doing right now.
Taking care of your little man?
Using that incredible brain of yours to finish your book?
Using that lean body to
work on your exercise video?
Conquering the world?
(EXHALES)
Maybe you were thinking of me?
Uh...
I would like to see you.
If that isn't clear from this message,
I am free on Thursday,
lam free on Friday.
Saturday is a good day for me...
AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Let's see what we're dealing with here, buddy.
Yo.
We cool?
Yeah, we're cool. Good.
You still down to babysit tonight?
Sure.
Did you give Henri my number?
Don't you mean Ohn-ree?
I'm not calling him Ohn-frickin'-ree. He's not even French. Did you?
Yeah. Nicholas asked me for it.
Oh, great, because now he's like stalker
obsessed with me, dude. It's awesome.
MRS. CRENSHAW: I am literally dying. Gotta call you back.
We're just so... It's so exciting.
So many weeks in the best seller list for an author like you.
I totally knew it.
We're so proud of you.
Thank you.
Are you coming to Vegas this weekend?
Oh, my God!
Yeah. Oh.
Mmm-hmm.
Deena Gold? Yes.
We're ready for you.
Deena Gold? Yeah.
Oh, my God, I love your column. I read it religiously.
I would love to take you out to lunch
and get advice on a guy I'm seeing.
Sure!
Great. Good luck in there!
Thanks. Call me!
Okay. So then that happened. Do you know who that is'?
Yeah. She's a really great girl.
Come on. Okay.
I can't believe she knew who I was.
Hi, babe. I'm just calling to tell you
that I'm not gonna be able to talk today.
I'm, like, super busy, so don't even try to get a hold of me.
Good-bye.
Hi.
Be back by 6:00.
Okay. I will. They're very strict.
Okay. Thank you, Pop Pop. Thank you, I love you.
You're a life saver. I love you. Bye.
Hi, Max. How are you?
I know, it's horrible.
He robbed me blind.
Do you know that I actually had to vacay this year
in Palms Springs instead of Hawaii?
Sounds horrible.
Well, I have such good taste in everything,
except when it comes to the men I marry.
(LAUGHS DRYLY)
Sweetie, she looks good.
She looks like an obese supermodel.
Thanks, Francesca.
I kinda wanted to talk to you about my doggy mall.
Remember when I first started working here,
I mentioned it and you said you might...
You know...
So.
I was just thinking that now might be a good time to invest and...
Oh!
I have to wee-wee.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
FRANCESCA: Sweetie, what'd I say? No phones in the office. Remember.
Turn that off. Don't answer it.
Dude, where are you? Call me, call me, call me, call me, call me!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Ah!
Hello? Please stop.
Hi. Yes, can we get four grilled cheese sandwiches please?
What? No. Wrong number. God!
Stop! Stop laughing.
(SIGHS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Leave a message.
Mom. Dad. It's me, Deena.
Um...
Long time no speak.
Well, I just wanted to let you know
that your wayward black sheep daughter
has in fact sold a book.
I'm sure you won't read it, but...
I just wanted to let you know before someone else did. So...
That's it.
(CLEARS THROAT) Call me.
Or not.
Hey, Jayde.
Hey, girl, hey.
What are you up to tonight?
Whoa. It's like we share the same brain.
There's a party on Sunset, a fashion show downtown
and then an art opening on La Cienega.
All right, buddy, okay. Sorry.
Just wait one second, buddy.
Deena! Deena!
Hello, are you here?
Hey! Hey.
Whoa! What are you wearing?
Nocturnal car wash. Sunset and Vine.
Have you seen Deena? No.
Are you kidding me? Oh, my God!
I can't believe how much my life blows.
Can you watch Max?
I can't. I gotta pay the rent.
Sorry. I'm sure Deena'll be back soon.
Oh...
ON VOICEMAIL: Hi, you reached Deena Gold, leave a message after the beep.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh! Hey, Billy.
Hi. My mom told me to bring this over. It got delivered to our place.
Billy? Yeah?
How old are you? Twelve.
Do you wanna make 50 bucks?
Sure.
(SIGHS)
Hi.
WOW!
Oh, my God. I'm so overdressed.
I thought we were going to someplace nice.
Hey. Come on, this place is nice. I mean, it's not...
It's not this nice, but they got great onion rings.
Really. Here, sit down.
You look really pretty.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I was late. I was...
Well, I was taking care of Max.
Deena must be so grateful.
Uh-huh.
Listen, I kinda needed to talk to you about the other night.
No apology necessary. I mean, you met my friends.
Deenais nowhere near as bad as those freaks, so...
Right. It's not really about that.
Are you good? ls everything okay?
Hope you two are hungry.
Thank you! You're welcome.
Mmm-hmm.
Let me know if you need anything else.
Thank you.
Sorry, I hope you don't mind, but I ordered every appetizer on the menu.
Surprised?
I always do that!
Come on, nobody always does that.
No, I really do. My friends always make fun of me.
They're so much better than entrees.
I know, right? Smaller portions.
More variety.
Get out. Cheese sticks.
(LAUGHS)
While you go ahead and finish chewing that amazing cheese stick,
I'm gonna throw coolness to the wind and tell you that
I like you.
And I hope that doesn't freak you out, but I just... I like you.
And it would be great
if you would say something kind back to me right now.
I'm sorry, this is just so hot.
I'm sorry.
What I really wanted to do was be an athlete,
but it turns out I can't run, I can'tjump and I can't catch.
So that kind of excluded me from those things.
So I took up my new calling, which was musical theater,
and I did a little thing called The Pirates of Penzance.
You may have heard of it. I might have dominated it. Just saying.
I'd like to see you in some tights.
You and my grandma, both.
(LAUGHS)
What about you?
I wanna talk more about you in tights.
Not a chance.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry. It's Deena.
If you gotta get it, go ahead.
No, you know what? It's cool.
It's probably nothing.
Sometimes she forgets that I have a life too, so...
God, it must be interesting.
What do you mean?
You know, just
living with somebody so unestablished who has a baby, that's all.
So, by interesting, do you mean awful?
I just mean that
you would think that having a baby
would force someone to grow up.
It just doesn't seem like that's happened for Deena.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
You don't really know anything about her.
I'm not trying to insult Deena at all.
I mean, having a baby and living with roommates,
relying on them for everything, that's horrid.
All I'm saying is that I think that you must be a saint
for dealing with somebody who
so clearly desperately needs it.
I just hope that Deena understands that and realizes that
she couldn't do it without you.
I'm sorry. Will you excuse me? I need to go to the restroom.
What is he talking about? Relying on people for everything.
Well, he's making this very easy.
There's no emotional attachment. Just a little bone and bolt.
A little nookie, a quick roll in the hay, that's all this is anyway.
Okay. Let's do this.
Wait, wait, wait.
I just want you to know, if you wanna take this slow, I'm okay with it.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it seems that way.
Okay, let's get naked.
Hey. Get outta here.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
You feel amazing.
Really?
Like normal amazing, or just...
Like amazing, amazing.
(LAUGHS)
Come here.
Help, help. I'm so bad at these things.
(MOANING)
Oh, God.
What the...
It's not what you think.
Well, what do I think?
It happens.
Breast milk just happens?
It's tribal, you know, like, from living with Deena.
You know how women who live together
get their periods at the same time?
No. I didn't know that.
How do you not know that? You're a grown man!
Sorry, but no!
Well, it's like that.
I get breast milk, and it squirts when I get excited.
It's a compliment, really.
(SCOFFS)
He's your baby?
He's your baby.
Well, the first hour that I met you,
you said that kids were a buzzkill!
No, I didn't. Yes, you did.
And then you were so judgmental about the whole thing!
Well, even if I did, I didn't realize we were talking about you.
Well, I didn't think it mattered, okay?
This wasn't supposed to be serious.
(SCOFFS)
Right. Right. So, what was I? Just some conquest?
Just some random guy? Oh, what was it that Deena said?
"Getting back into the game, always a player at heart"?
That's you, huh? Awesome.
So...
You've never lied about anything because
you thought it made things seem easier?
No.
Well, I guess you're a better person than I am.
Good-bye.
(SNIFFLING)
What's going on? Hello? Wait, sir! Sir!
Wait! Sir, stop!
Stop, stop.
Wait, sir, just a second. Stop!
He's fine. He's sleeping.
'Cause that neighbor kid you hired kinda freaked out, Kim.
He'd never been around a baby before.
If I hadn't come home, they would have called social services.
Where the fuck were you tonight? You were supposed to babysit!
What? Are you out of your mind?
There is nothing, there is absolutely nothing that excuses your behavior.
So I wasn't here, so you be here, Kim. It's your child.
How dare you! How dare you judge me!
You have no idea what it's like.
If it had been me that night, if it had been me who stole the last condom...
What?
This could have been you.
Wow, Kim.
Who are you?
I don't know.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
DEENA: Oh, my God!
JAYDE: What?
What are you listening to? Is it that guy Henri?
Give, give. Let me listen.
Oh, my God.
This guy is crazy. Listen to the voice mail.
No! I know.
Wait, the end's gross.
I thought that was the best bit.
Save it. Totally.
For sure.
He's a freak.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)
(MAX GURGLING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Oh, my God, there you are!
I've been 911-ing you all day. Where have you been?
The customers are starting to complain.
Francesca, are you ever going to invest in my doggy mall?
Oh, God, the doggy mall, the dog mall.
All I hear about is the stupid dog mall.
Maybe I'd talk to you about that dog mall
if you actually did your job once in a while.
You know what, Francesca? I am so sick of letting you treat me like shit.
Consider this my five minutes' notice.
You... But you can't just quit.
And you know what else? You're not 21-year-old hot.
That's very rude.
Good-bye.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
Hi. I brought you some magazines and sandwiches.
Godmothers, extra spicy with the works.
Are you gonna emerge from the darkness anytime soon?
Is Deena here? No.
She's avoiding me?
Yeah.
My best friend thinks I'm a despicable person,
I lost the first guy who's liked me in a really long time
and I'm the worst mom ever.
When I get sad,
I like to think of good things that are unrelated to my problems.
Like whales, or those little yellow chickens from Easter, puffs.
Those are called Peeps.
Laura, I know you're just trying to help,
but can you please just leave us alone?
Kim.
(MAX CRYING)
(SHUSHING)
I don't mean to sound harsh,
but you're kind of just lying around
like you're giving up on life or something.
That's easy for you to say!
Why? Because my life is so perfect?
I have no skills, except that I'm pretty.
People think I'm dumb.
I live in a world where I'm considered
a weirdo because of my beliefs.
I'm not saying that my problems are as serious as yours.
I mean, heck no.
But everything's relative.
You need to be happy for Max.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Can I help you?
Hey, beauty. I heard.
What do you say we go out and get into some old-school trouble?
I'm just really focused on my career right now.
Yeah. So am I.
But I wake up every morning with a raging boner with your name on it.
Come on, let me be your "man with dishpan hands."
How did you... I googled you.
Oh, my God, it's you!
Rita, the receptionist!
I'm marrying my skydiving instructor, and it's all because of you!
Congratulations.
Thank you!
What do you think, buddy?
Hey! Hey.
You made it!
You are late.
I had to stop for these.
I don't believe in flowers.
I think they're a trite symbol developed to keep women needy.
I only agreed to let you meet me here
so you would stop pestering me.
Yeah, I know.
You're aware of the conditions?
No talking. No touching. No disturbing my workflow.
What if I violate those terms?
I said, no talking.
Are you looking to be punished?
I promise to leave you alone.
If you agree to stop by American Apparel afterwards
and try on a few things for me.
You are such a perv.
Deal.
I didn't know a place like this existed. This place is awesome.
The second JJJ gets in here, she completely falls asleep.
I get to relax, I can do my drawing...
Oh, wow, you draw?
You seem shocked.
Are you propagating the myth
that stay-at-home moms have to give up all their passions?
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I actually am writing a children's book,
it's called "Tickle, Tickle Little Pickle."
My husband Brock says it's gonna be
the laughing stock of the Internet,
but, you know what, I like it.
I can show it to you if you want. You don't have to.
Yeah, I'd love to see it. Are you sure?
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, so that's it.
Yeah. The pickle looks a little demented now, but it's a prototype.
I'm thinking on taking down the squirrel things,
because right now it looks like
it's actually trying to kill the pickle.
Wow. This is a pretty rock and roll little kids' book.
I think there's something there.
What do you think, buddy?
(LAUGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(PANTING)
(MOANING)
DEENA ON BABY MONITOR: Oh, God! Keep doing... Oh, keep doing that!
Oh, don't stop that! Oh!
Oh, God!
Pussy master! Pussy master, yes!
Oh, yes, pussy master!
(MOANING)
Oh, pussy master! Yes! Oh, yes, you're a pussy master!
(SIGHING)
(MAX CRYING) (GROANS)
To speak or act in an evasive way, 11 letters.
Prevaricate.
Well, hello there. How'd you sleep?
Horrible. I just now got Max to sleep.
How did you sleep, pussy master?
Kim. Nicholas asked about you.
I think he'd like to hear from you.
Great. Tell him I said hi.
You don't have to be so hard on yourself, Kim.
You know you made a mistake, you're human, big whoop.
So is he.
Oh, my gosh! I've been chosen for a reality show!
I get to live in a mansion!
(SQUEALS)
What? Yeah. America's Last Virgin!
I found out about it, and I sent my picture in and I'm in!
Wait. What show?
America's Last Virgin.
They find 20 virgins, all over the age of 21.
And they have us live in a house
where there's porn playing 24/7,
and you share a room with a male model.
And then, you go out on dates
and the dates, they try to tempt you into losing your virginity.
And the last virgin standing wins $100,000!
It's perfect, rig ht?
Deena, I figured you're always saying take things as they come.
It's like that chapter in your book, "Grab Life By The Balls."
So I totally grabbed my balls.
I mean, I thought it was gross, but I get it now. You get it.
I knew I was saving myself for something this special!
(SHRIEKS) Oh!
That sounds like a recipe for rape.
Did she just make it sound like I inspired her to do that?
Hey, Deena, can I talk to you for a minute, outside?
Alone?
Yeah.
Pussy master!
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna move out.
Wow. Okay.
I'm gonna pay you the next month's rent,
so that will give you enough time
to figure out what you wanna do.
Uh...
Is this like about last night? Because we were loud...
I know things have been awkward between us...
It's not that.
You and I had this plan
to be fabulous and conquer the world.
And I'm sorry that I relied on you...
Kim, you don't have to feel...
Please, just let me finish.
I think that the really scary part has been realizing that
maybe I don't need to conquer the world.
Maybe I'm okay with hanging out
with the lame moms at Café Chez Bébé.
Maybe I'm more than okay with it.
Maybe I like it.
So what are you gonna do?
Dvggy mall?
Yeah, I'm starting to think that whole idea was
childish and unsanitary and maybe even unsafe.
I honestly don't know.
Deena, I'm so happy for you and your success, and I adore you.
I adore you.
But you have to focus on your career now, and I need...
I need to focus on being a mom.
And I just worry that if I don't move out now...
That we might not stay friends.
(SOBS)
So, it's a one bedroom, one bath,
but there's a nice little nook over here
that would be great for a nursery.
Wanna see it?
We'll take it.
Do you wanna discuss it with your husband?
Nope. It's just us.
All right, then.
Let me show you the backyard. There's a sandbox and a swing set...
Did you hear that, buddy? There's a sandbox!
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
He's getting so heavy. You're getting so heavy.
Is that your truck?
Max, can you say "truck"? Truck?
That's a bunny.
(RATTLES)
Kisses. Kisses for you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You sweet little thing,
you were just walking!
Oh, my God, you sweet little monkey! I'm so proud of you!
Oh, my God! My baby.
(GASPING)
Henri! Henri, Henri! It came! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! It came!
Baby, maybe we should get a joint bank account.
Oh, man, I grew up in a trailer.
They pay a lot of money for self-help books.
It's not a self-help book, punk. It's a sociological study.
Oh, it's a sociological study. You're rich.
Oh, my gosh, that's hot. You're so rich.
I love that.
I've never had sex with a rich woman before.
Outside, anyway... Never had sex... And sober.
Whoa, whoa!
Okay, just one finger.
(DEENA LAUGHS)
You eat it. You eat it. I'm good.
I'm sorry for being late. I'm so, so sorry.
How's the little dude? How are you?
So, let me guess, you didn't get your contract
and now you think you can just waltz back into our lives?
No, that's not it. I read this
rad book when I was on tour called Pregnancy and Beyond.
Uh-huh.
Read the whole thing, cover to cover.
It had gnarly stuff about smegma, I almost stopped reading it.
Then I kept reading it, and it started to talk about
how they start to develop these, like, sick personalities.
And it made me wanna, like, not miss out on all that good stuff.
And the truth is, I nearly lost my abdomen in a shark attack.
There's nothing like a brush with death
to make you realize what the important things in life are.
And I wanna see my kid.
Okay?
I'm not gonna go through this again, Marc.
I want another shot at being a dad. Can you understand that?
I think I'd be a good dad.
(LAUGHING)
(SQUEALING)
Come here. Come here, little buddy.
You gonna be a little hell raiser, aren't you?
You gonna be a little hell raiser? A little outlaw?
A little bandit?
He's a good boy.
(MAX BABBLING)
What's that?
Bad boy?
Bad!
MARC: Okay.
(EXHALES)
Hey! Hey!
How are you? Good. Good.
How are you? Good.
Where's Max? Is he in college yet?
Actually, he's with Marc.
Really? Yep.
He came crawling back, and now he takes him whenever I go to work.
Wow.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you,
I miss seeing Max every day.
And you. Yeah. Me too.
So...
My dad called me.
That's great, Deena. I bet that feels really good.
Yeah.
What are we doing?
I miss you. I miss you!
I've got so much to tell you. Come in, come in.
What?
Oh, my God!
Dude, the place looks outta sight!
It's Henri, man. He's all over it.
(GASPS)
You bought the massage chair!
I love that thing. I wanna be buried with it.
This is awesome!
Whatever happened to waiting at least
two years before moving in with a guy?
Well, the rules are, there are no rules.
When multiple orgasms are involved. (MOCK GASPS)
Shut up! I thought those were a myth!
So did I, dude. So did I.
Well, I e-mailed Nicholas.
And? And nothing.
I mean, I wasn't expecting a response
after the crap that I pulled, but...
I just wanted to clear the air.
Good.
So, listen.
I got a huge advance check for my book.
Wow, dude, you are killing it!
And I want to invest a portion of it.
Okay.
See, I've been working on this project
that I want to piggyback off the book release.
I need you to partner with me, 50-50.
It feels great. But I'm not surprised at all.
I knew I'd make it past round four.
I was born to win this.
The golden crotch remains intact!
Oh, my gosh! You guys, I can't be late. We have to go.
Come on. Come on!
Hi, look at you!
Take your hand? Let's go. Let's go! Come on. Baby, let's go.
It's so much fun.
I know.
Ready, one, two...
Ready?
Hey! We made it.
Hey.
Thanks for coming, everybody.
Kim, front and center.
Patti, thanks for coming.
Jayde, get your weights up. Great.
Here we go, guys. We're gonna start with a lift and touch.
Lift and touch.
Get those arms tight. Get those loose knees.
Henri, out of here!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Lift up and down.
There we go. Looking good.
Oh, my God!
We look like such tools. I love it!
I know, I can't believe we're gonna be on demand, dude, it's so good.
Who knew we'd be able to capitalize on me getting knocked up?
HENRI: Babe, you here?
Yep.
Nicholas and I got burritos.
We're gonna shoot a little pool. Is that cool?
Cool. Yep.
What? Nicholas is here?
Kim.
What am I gonna do? I'm gonna hide.
Kim. I can't hide. Max is here! Oh, my God!
Kim! Kim.
Oh, Jesus, how do I look?
You look beautiful.
It's gonna be okay. Okay.
Hey. om
Hey.
Hi.
Henfi? What?
Do you wanna go in the other room and
feel me up?
Yeah, I do. Okay.
Bye, Deena. Don't feel her up.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I got your e-mail... Yeah.
And I don't think that you are a...
"A flaming piece of shit," or "A pox on the face of dignity."
You don't?
I understand why someone might not tell someone something,
because they are afraid of the way they might react.
All right. This is hard.
I-m
married.
Oh!
No, technically, I'm separated.
She moved out before you and I met.
Actually, I'm four days away from being legally divorced.
But this year was rough for me.
And I met you, and
you just made it better
and I didn't want to do anything to screw that up. And...
I should have told you.
So, then, we're both liars.
But, for the record, you were first.
Well, that's a great foundation
for a relationship, don't you think?
Not that I'm suggesting that we would have a relationship,
I was just making a statement, like an observation that doesn't...
Aw...
My ovaries just skipped a beat.
Mine too. (LAUGHS)
Let's shoot some sticks, yo!
Bros vs. hoes.
You ready for this?
Ladies, you should know that we are pretty good at this.
Oh, you have no idea.
That's a big check, mister.
NICHOLAS: Not big at all.
Come on. Come to Deena.
Hey, don't put it on the table!
What?
Oh, I'm sorry, you're not a baby.
You're like a person. You're like a real person now.
All right. Okay.
Let's do this. Sorry, Max.
I rack 'em really, really tight.
Break it.
All right, you got a mean mommy here.
Ready? Go on, Kim, break.
Okay, I'll break.
Yeah, you can. Come on. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it.
(ALL CHEERING)
Lost again! So did we lose?